i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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