I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
