I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
