fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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