Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
