I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
