I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize