Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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