The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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