My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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