just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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