If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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