textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
