no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
