I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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