Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
