8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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