Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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