apparently the secret to your success is patron
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
