god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
