that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
