my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
