I am puke
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
