you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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