Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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