u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Someone came in the potted fern
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
