so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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