i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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