Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
