LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I think a kid would responsible me up
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
