farters have to be the big spoon...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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