Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
