mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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