Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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