Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
