YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
