last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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