yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
