Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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