I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
