Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
