My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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