we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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