I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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