No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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