but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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