Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
