Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize