Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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