You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
