puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
