I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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