dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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