yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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