I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
