She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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