pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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