So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
