Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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