I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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